Today with the rise of reality television dating shows and a virtual sea of people who consider themselves to be “casual daters,” it is common to hear people say things like, “I’m great at dating.” But what does it really mean to be great at dating?

Over the course of a long, single life, many people become very skilled at the dating process, often having all the right restaurants and bars lined up without even having to think about it. They’ve honed their conversation skills to know all of the right questions to ask and topics to bring up so that the process of getting to know someone has become almost mechanical.

Yet, for being so great at dating, these people are still single.

What many have confused is the event-planning portion of the date with the real purpose of spending time with someone new: finding out if this person is “The One.”

So what should you do differently? You can start by not judging the success of the date by how good the meal or location was or how attractive your date is, but rather by how strong of a connection you felt with your date. That means you have to go into the meeting with a set of values you want to probe for, such as ambition, compassion, humor, and honesty. Despite your urge to share a funny story from college or work, it is best to center your conversation on topics that bring to the surface values you hope to share with a long-term partner.

Being great at conversation and planning fun dates is a great skill, but don’t forget what your real goal is in dating: finding “The One.”